How to Use Holiday Triggers to Reclaim Your Life

Ahhh.... it's Thanksgiving, a time for feasts, family, and friends. A time to give thanks.

But for many of us, this time of year can also bring some pretty tough moments.

For some it's the dreaded overwhelm of hosting the family dinner. For others it's the stress of travel and the chaos of disrupted routines. And let's not forget the anxiety inherent in tiptoeing around certain people or topics.

Then there are those of us on the other end of the scale, who spend the holidays battling with the ache of loneliness—especially in a world that expects and assumes togetherness.

Regardless of the flavor, moments like these can be thought of as "triggers."  

The word ‘trigger’ has become a popular term people use to describe something people try to avoid. As if getting triggered is dangerous and a person incapable of facing their triggers.  As if the goal is to shelter from all triggers rather than be free of them.

But we can reclaim the power a trigger wields. There is another way of viewing triggers that is empowering, rather than victimizing.  A way of seeing them as a golden opportunity to see how and why we lose ourselves and give up our power to reactions, rather than owning our lives.

We can see triggers the way an elite athlete sees a challenging opponent: an opportunity to better oneself, to up their game.

Never forget: Every moment has a purpose that is FOR you... not against you!

The trick is to understand the subtle yet immense possibility underlying these triggers and their subsequent reactions.

Doorways Into Profound Self-Knowledge

Thanksgiving, with all of its subtle emotional and social nuances, can give you a glimpse into parts of yourself you rarely see clearly:

• The defensiveness that rises up when your mom or dad makes that not-so-veiled criticism of your career or finances.

• The anger that boils when your aunt corrects your child.

• The jealousy and resentment that simmers when your sibling gets praised for all their life choices.

• The rage that rips through when your uncle brings up the latest political scandal just to get a rise out of the table.

• The painful feelings of nostalgia, regret, and missing-out that weigh you down each time you think back to the way things used to be.

All of them triggers, and all of them doorways into deeper levels of self-knowledge... provided we know how to use them.

When the trigger gets set off, and you feel the sudden contraction—physically, emotionally, or otherwise—that is the opportunity.  

But how do we use it?

I’ll tell you, but I want to prepare you that a part of your brain will tell you it is too simple. 

So I want to challenge that part of us that scoffs, and says that it is too simple. 

We will say to that part: “Oh, yeah? It’s too simple? Show me, then. Prove to me how simple it is by doing it. Every time.”

Alright, so how?

“It’s the truth I’m after, and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance.” ~ Marcus Aurelius 

How to Seize These Opportunities

By walking into that family gathering knowing it is rife with triggers, and having a plan for staying awake to the moment, you keep yourself anchored at the point of genuine possibilities.

You're going to be like an elite athlete, watching for your opponent's tells. Making sure they don’t fool you into reacting by faking you out.

But keep in mind: While this certainly applies to Uncle Jimmy and his obsession with sparking political debate, the real "opponent" you're studying is yourself! You're studying your own hidden temptations and reactions.

So what do you use as an anchor?

Start off by walking into this holiday season slowly. Literally.  Slow your pace of walking by 25%. Do this EVERY time it crosses your mind. And when your mind pushes you to rush, deliberately defy it and slow down.

This simple action is the perfect starting point. It keeps you anchored in the present moment. Try it!

Next, you're going to watch for any sudden, heated reactions. When you feel one, you're going to pause and go silent, take a deliberate deep breath, then offer an intentional, thoughtful response to the moment (which might even be no response at all).

Instead of being goaded by Uncle Jimmy into a blind, off-the-cuff response, you're going to do something entirely different: You're going to pause and give yourself space, inwardly, so that something brand new can enter into the moment through you.

If you do this—even just one time—you'll never forget it!

What we won’t do this holiday season is let reactions speak for us. 

We will give no voice to the reaction. What we WILL give to it is our attention. 

We will observe that reaction—see how it moves, what it says—what it concludes, supposes, and says.  We will become experts on our opponent, and study it the same way an athlete would.  

Maybe we take notes on it.  Even journal about it later. 

We might even catch ourselves speaking from reaction and, upon realizing the negative effect it's having on everyone in the room, drop it on the spot. 

Or maybe we awaken in a moment to find ourselves lost in a downward spiral of thought, and instead of indulging in it, or wallowing in self-pity, or letting a judgment berate us for “failing”, we roll back the game tape and see how we arrived here. 

But we don’t waste the moment. 

We don’t let a subsequent reaction (to the original reaction) hijack the opportunity to see behind the curtain.

We must embrace these opportunities for what they are: an opportunity to meet what torments us...

To meet what wrecks our day, our week, our life.

This is the way we become free of triggers... and the mistaken attitudes and beliefs that give rise to them. 

This is the path to the inner peace and freedom you crave.  Not by avoiding these triggers, but by facing them squarely—studying them, seeing deeper into what they are, how they operate, and how they get their power.  

Once you see them completely, and clearly, you'll watch in astonishment as they dissolve away. 

You can reclaim your life and own it, fully.

✨ Mindful Experiments

This Thanksgiving, make it your aim to string together tiny moments of "slowing down," then watch how those little efforts give rise to entirely different atmosphere for you and those around you. Those small intentions give YOU the chance to be different—to set an entirely different tone for the moment—which radiates outward, shaping the atmosphere for everyone. 

For example, when you grab hold of your knife and fork to cut your next bite of turkey, relax your grip and release the tension in your shoulders, then consciously cut that next bite while staying relaxed. Notice how this simple action breaks you out of the theater of your mind, and returns you back to the table where you can take part in what is ACTUALLY happening in the moment.

When it comes time to clear the table, don't rush through it just to get it done. There's a kind of blind callousness that we fall into when we are dead-set on "just getting it done." We stop feeling the subtleties of the moment, and we stop feeling the people around us. That's no way to spend time with people you love. Instead of "the end of the task" being the prominent influence in your mind, replace it with a wish to "connect with others." It will naturally direct you to give more attention to what others are saying. In each exchange, you'll be willing to stay there in the moment with them just a tiny bit longer, and in doing so, a new depth of connection will wash over you.

Find little ways like this to keep yourself anchored in the moment, then watch to see how it opens up new opportunities, new discoveries, and new meaning.

Happy Thanksgiving!